Week 7 - "But whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it”

    “Remind yourself that being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two-week Bahamas gateway.” (Gottman)
In this week’s readings, I learned that for couples to be more connected they need to turn toward each other by working in little life details, such as doing small activities together, and really enjoying being together in the most trivial tasks of everyday life. We tend to think that this little tedious every day-life events are not important to the welfare of the marriage, but Dr. Gottman´s research clearly attests that couples who remained married are those that turn to each other in mutual respect and cooperation.
The author also identified two major hindrances that prevent couples from turning toward each other more efficiently. The first one is related with negative emotions or accumulated anger. It is very difficult to couples decode the partner´s clues or “bids” when we are hurt with unresolved past situations, or when our emotional stress capacity is full.
Let me share an example that I lived this week. I’m the Bishop, so a couple from my ward called me for counsel: Mary (fake name) was extremely upset with her husband Mario because he was not able to understand her worries about their daughter´s school difficulties. Mary shared that she had tried various “bids” to let Mario know about her worries, but “he did not care” (her words).  After listening to her complain, Mario, with a disapproving voice, explained to me that she already knew that they could not afford paying for extra classes, it was useless continuing arguing about it.
Negative emotions from unresolved problems were the route that blocked their capacity of resolving this problem and turn to each other for mutual respect and cooperation.
            The other situation identified by Dr. Gottman was the impact of Internet and digital devices on the turn toward each other effectiveness. Although all the advantages that Internet and especially social media resources provide for human interactions, an excessive use can “lead to a sort of addiction in which distraction itself becomes a habit.” Couples that use most of their precious free available time with social media sites instead of working toward each other are unconsciously creating an emotional wall that could result in marital problems. Partners are more willing to put “likes” on their enormous digital list of friends than lift their real thumb to her/his spouse.
In summary, being able to turn toward to our spouse’s necessities, worries, expectations, and dreams is actually being able to live the second great commandment of God. “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it” (Luke 9:24).

 References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide From the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony.





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